Vicky's Quickies

Moving....

2009-11-07T15:08:00.004-06:00

I'm moving my blog to WordPress. Blogger has been great, but I have a few more options at WordPress that I like. I took some time (a lot of time!) to look back over this Church Planting journey and document some of what happened and lessons learned. You can check it out here. Hope you'll come with me.

Who do you look like?

2009-10-30T23:21:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I look at Caleb and see myself or Tim in him. I think he is a really good mix of both us, he doesn't look JUST like either one of us only. But every now and then I look at him and think, "WOW! I can really see Tim in him right now!" Or another time I'll see something in him and think, "WOW! He really looks like me!" And then there are a lot of times when I see him and just see how much he looks like Caleb!

And I got to thinking, do I resemble my Heavenly Father? And I don't want to over-spiritualize this, but I've really been thinking about this lately. When people look at me, do they see characteristics of God in me? Do I reflect Him? Or do they just see Vicky?

What does that mean to look like God? The Bible says that we were created in God's image. What would it mean for people to look at me and see God?

I think a great measuring stick for this would be the fruits of the Spirit. If God is working in me, then this list of characteristics will describe me. When we look at how Jesus lived when He was here on earth we can see how these words described Him.

Living up to this list is tough. And it's a lift long process. I will never attain them perfectly. BUT, I need to try.

I need to become more and more like my Heavenly Father so when people look at me they can think, "WOW! She really looks like her Father!"

But good things don't happen to me!

2009-10-23T16:42:00.002-05:00

I was talking to a friend last night who said those words. And when she did I shared a time in my life when I said the same thing.

I found out my cousin was pregnant just about a month before I found out I was pregnant. My sister doesn't want to have children and no one else in my family was at a place where they were planning a family either. I had resigned myself to the fact that if I ever were blessed with a pregnancy that I would do it alone. I wouldn't have a family member of close friend to walk that road with like I've seen in my family or friends.

So, when I found out I was pregnant and that my cousin and I were due only a month apart I was excited...but only for a moment. I really didn't think this was actually going to happen. I figured something would happen and I would lose the baby or something. I've seen so many people I care about miscarry and just thought it would happen to me.

Because good things don't happen to me. Not things THAT good!

I told this to Tim and he looked at me and said, "Why can't God give this to you? Why can't you be given this experience together with your cousin?"

I didn't have an answer. Except that I always feel like good stuff happens to other people, not me.

That's a pretty bad attitude to have about life. About a God who loves me. Especially when I do have so many blessings.

There are some things happening in life right now that could make life go better. Way better. Some dreams could maybe be fulfilled. These could be some really good things that happen "to" me. I can't go into it now, but hopefully soon.

I have to get past this "good things don't happen to me" thing! If God wants to bless me, then I need to be thankful and ready for it. And then RESPONSIBLE with it. Treasure it. Remember it in times when the blessings seem few and far between.

Dear Church of Veritas

2009-10-16T23:08:00.005-05:00

I greet you in the name of our loving and powerful God.

I have heard of your struggles and your triumphs, your challenges and your lessons. I am proud to be linked to you. You have been through a lot, but you have not turned your back on God. He has been teaching you and stretching you and you have been obedient. You love those around you. You seek God's voice and His Plan. You serve without complaint. You hope and believe.

But your hope is waning. You are letting fear sneak into your thoughts, your prayers and your lives. You are missing opportunities for God to work because you fear and don't follow God entirely.

Do not lose hope. God is not done with you yet. He asks us to follow Him, but He will only show you the steps beneath your feet. You must learn to trust Him to lead and not get in front of Him. You must take the steps He asks you to take even when you don't know where it will end.

The road before you has not been traveled by many, but God has it well planed out. Travel it boldly. But don't travel it alone. This is a command! This road is not only for you, but for those around you who God loves and longs for.

You are not alone in this journey. God travels it with you, even when it feels like He is far away. And there are many who are traveling this journey with you in prayer. They are doing what they can to support you in your journey, don't get lazy and not do the work where you are.

I cannot wait to hear more from you and your progress, your adventures, your lessons, your tests, your successes, your failures, and how God uses you. I will write again soon.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. {Hebrews 10:24-25}

Highs and Lows for 10-11-09

2009-10-14T15:36:00.011-05:00

This is my first time "playing this game"! :) Check it out on Slightly Cosmo's blog!

Highs

1. Monday, October 5, my and Tim's 13 year anniversary of our first date. We had such a special time! It was WONDERFUL! Wished it didn't have to end so fast, but we had a sweet little guy to get home to.

2. I got to have dinner with a former student and be a listening ear for her as she goes through a lot of heavy stuff right now. And I got to treat her to dinner!

3. Saturday I had a little alone time. Grammie and Pa decided that morning to take Caleb for the rest of the day. He had a GREAT time with them. Tim was at a conference, so I was home alone. I can't remember the last time that happened!

Lows

1. I missed the message and hearing Sara's story at church. BUT, I will listen to the recording...soon I hope!

2. STRESS!!!!

LOADS AND LOADS OF IT

3. Not sleeping well due to the STRESS!!!!

Remember

2009-10-09T16:42:00.010-05:00

I am a big fan of the David Crowder Band. This is not a secret. I think his music is interesting and creative and his lyrics are poetic and speak to emotions that are so deep inside us that sometimes we (I) can't find the words. He does!

His latest album "Church Music" is blowing me away.

There are some things going on in life right now that have serious consequences. The decisions that need to be made could change the trajectory of our lives quite a bit. I went through a dark time and wondering what was going on and where God was. I felt very alone and lost.

I'm not going to say that things are all peaches and roses now, but it's better. Things still need to be decided, but I don't feel hopeless anymore.

Anyway, we bought this album when it came out. This song really spoke to me in a different way in light of my circumstances. It's called "Shadows" and here are the lyrics (the music that goes with it is great too!):

Life is full of light and shadows 
Oh the joy and oh the sorrow, oh the sorrow  
And yet will He bring day from night 
And yet will He bring dark to light  
When shadows fall on us 
We will not fear 
We will remember 
When darkness falls on us 
We will not fear 
We will remember 
When all seems lost 
When we’re thrown and we’re tossed 
We’ll remember the cost 
We’re resting in the shadow of the cross 

I listened to this song for the first time at a time when I was feeling so completely hopeless.  I felt that "all was lost".  I was FEELING the shadows.  You know when life just seems so dark that you can actually feel the darkness, the loneliness?

The lyrics of this song gave me strength.  "And yet He will bring day from night, He will bring dark to light... We will not fear, we will remember...We're resting in the shadow of the cross."

I don't like to just get inspiration from musical artists.  They can say anything they want and they can come up with beautiful lyrics and phrases that make you feel all warm and fuzzy, but that doesn't make it truth.  So, it got me thinking about my Bible.

In my LTG right now we are reading the Psalms.  That book is PACKED FULL of highs and lows.  And the highs are really high and the lows are really low.  I see numerous times when he feels that the world is closing in around him, when he feels hopeless.  There are Psalms that talk about enemies plotting to kill him and he's trying to hide from them.  And yet he never gives up, and recalls times when God has been faithful, rescued him, crushed his enemies, loved him.  He remembers them.

And just look at when Jesus was crucified.  Imagine how hopeless it looked for them at the time.  People who followed Jesus believed He was going to save them all from oppression and lead them to victory.  These people had been changed by His teachings.  Then he was killed.  They probably waited for Him to fight back, to come down off that cross...but it never happened.  Then they watched His body be put in the tomb and the giant rock get rolled in front of it.  The scene was hopeless.  They were alone.  I'm sure they could feel the darkness.

BUT....

That's not the end of the story!  In our times of darkness and hopelessness we can remember the rest of the story.  We can remember how God kept His promises.  We can remember how Jesus defeated death and kept His promise to leave us a Helper.  We can remember that He promises to always be with us.  We can remember that His power conquers all...even death.

Does that mean all our dark times with have happy endings and we get all that we hoped for? Absolutely not.

What it does mean is that we are not alone in our darkness.  We can have hope...if we remember.  If we remember God's promises, His power, what He's done in the past - both in the Bible and in our own lives.

He is Light.  He chases away darkness.  He is Hope.  He is Peace.

You may need to remind of this in future!

Cider and doughnuts

2009-10-06T00:53:00.004-05:00

Today, October 5, marks the 13 year anniversary of our first date! It was such a nice night.

Our first date was to a cider mill in Michigan. I had never been to a cider mill before as we don't have them here in Wisconsin (to my knowledge anyway). They make FRESH apple cider and amazing doughnuts. We bought some of each and sat outside sipping our cider...among TONGS of bees!! The bees are as much a part of a cider mill experience as the cider is, I think!

So, tonight we warmed up some apple cider and Tim bought some doughnuts and we enjoyed them together. We went to a secluded part of Bay View park and sat on a lake listening to the waves lap up against the shore. The sun was setting and painting the most amazing sky! The colors were gorgeous bouncing off the clouds. At one point the sun lit up the breaker wall rocks so they looked like gold!

I SO wished I had my camera with me!

We sat there together reminiscing about the last 13 years and where they have taken us. It was so peaceful. So beautiful.

"Cool Dude!"

2009-10-02T22:41:00.003-05:00

Caleb got some new sunglasses from his "Grama". He's so cute in them - they actually fit!

He must have picked this up from us at some point, but when he puts them on he flashes that big smile and says "cool dude!"

Well, he decided I had to wear his glasses too. As soon as he put them on me he says "cool dude!" It is just so precious.

This thought hit me like a ton of bricks: I know there will be a day when he will NOT call me "cool"! I know a day is coming, sooner than I would like, when he will think I am a dork, embarrassing, UNcool!

I remember a moment like this in my past very clearly. I think I was maybe 13-ish? My and my cousin's family were at a park - I think maybe waiting for fireworks, and we had our DCTalk tape (YES, I said TAPE) playing in the car with the doors open. My mom and her mom (my aunt) were signing along and dancing and stuff. We were MORTIFIED! I don't know which bothered us more - the fact that they were singing and dancing, or the fact that THEY liked OUR music! Whatever the case, this was one of many instances we were embarrassed by our parents.

I know that day will come with Caleb. When there is nothing I can do that won't be uncool. When he will want to hide in the shadows and wish he could not be related to me. When I will never hear "cool dude" directed toward me.

So, for now, I TREASURE those moments. When he will look at me and smile, when he WANTS to be with me and not trying to run away.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. I will TREASURE that moment!

So many things to write...

2009-10-01T00:01:00.001-05:00

...but its FAR too late.

And I am very tired.

The work isn't done yet, but I MUST sleep.

Hopefully I will get to those thoughts another time...SOON!

No one ever told me....

2009-09-26T22:32:00.003-05:00

...how frustrating and heartbreaking (at the same time!) your two year old's cry could be to a mom!

That's all. Just sometimes his crying just breaks my heart and tears it to pieces. Other times it is so frustrating I just want to run away!

Everything he does has a profound effect on me! And that's not all bad.

There is a reason...right?!?

2009-09-25T22:41:00.003-05:00

I haven't written much lately. I'm kinda in a place where SO much is going on in my life and in my head, but I don't know what to share. So, I've opted to not share anything. We'll see if that was the right way to go.

So, at the moment EVERYTHING in my life is being thrown on the table. I have NO idea what the future holds and am terrified by that. But I have been working hard to spend more time praying about it. And praying more (in my opinion and research) correctly. This has been an interesting exercise.

So, I just got off the phone with my mom and my step-father went to the ER at work today. He fell at work on the dock a couple days ago and since has had a hard time breathing at night without pain. So, today at work it was so bad he had to take himself to the ER. We were thinking maybe he bruised or, worse yet, fractured a rib.

Well, it's worse. They found a blood clot in his lung. I don't know much about blood clots, but in my limited knowledge it seems like this is only SLIGHTLY less serious than a blood clot in the brain. The ER told him that if he hadn't come in tonight he could have died.

I am blown away. This is really not what our family needs right now. And, that is such a stupid sentence...N O family would ever need or want this! There is just so much going on.

But, as I'm praying, God is challenging me to pray not just for healing, but for GOD'S will. I am reminded of Job. When he was going through his "hell" God was not doing all this TO him, he was allowing it because there was a higher purpose. There was a bigger reason. It was a teaching time. It was a time to show up Satan.

And God was not absent. God knew what was going on. He cared. He still loved Job.

I need to remember that. God is not doing all this TO me. He is with me. I need to stay focused on His promises. I need to stay focused on wanting to do my part to bring His Kingdom to this earth.

This may sound like a cop out. I think that sometimes when I hear others say that. But for me, in this phase of my life, it's deep. It's challenging. It's changing the way I pray. I am trying to stay focused on the right things, because it is W A Y too easy to let the worries of this world and thoughts that are not true and not focused where they should be consume me. And drown me.

Fear...and what to do about it!

2009-09-16T16:29:00.003-05:00

I spent a few hours on a lake all by myself while on vacation reading, listening, praying, writing. I thought I'd share an entry from my journal that day on the lake.

I consider myself someone who is fearful. There are a few occasions where I may do something that takes some courage, but I don't think I am a courageous person. At least, I don't have the courage I would like, I guess. Anyway, these are some of my thoughts about that. I didn't want to just whine about being fearful, I wanted to figure out what to DO about that. So, the following is taken directly from my journal {hey, why are you reading my personal journal?!?!?! ;)}

I live in so much fear.

I think I fear being wrong more than anything.

I fear making the wrong decision, so I make someone else decide.

I fear doing the wrong thing, so I do nothing.

I fear saying the wrong thing, so I say nothing.

If I do decide, do, or say something, I fear it was wrong.

If I do nothing, I fear not being used by God.

How do I story this cycle of stupid, paralyzing fear?

Spend more time with God, alone, so I learn His voice and His heart. This will make decisions easier because I will know Him and what He wants.
Learn who God is and what He did in the Bible. I need to know His CHARACTER.
Ask Him specifically what He wants of me. And don't filter it! And believe it! And don't think anything is too big or too small. If God is calling me today to do something radical for church, something huger than I could imagine, that is not too big. If God is calling me to, today, be consistent and loving in my discipline of Caleb, that is not too small.
Ask God to put me in places where He can use me with people He wants to speak to. Then look and listen for Him.
Just JUMP! Sometimes I'll succeed, and sometimes I'll fail.
BELIEVE that God will love and accept me exactly the same in success and failure.
Ask God to give me the strength, don't look to anyone or anything else alone.
Don't give up.

I don't know if that helps you or not, but those are some of my thoughts. If you are someone who struggles with fear, I hope that list can help you a little. If you have other ideas, send them my way! In the meantime, I will be working on putting these into practice.

Lessons from the Lake

2009-09-09T16:12:00.004-05:00

Tim, Caleb and I just got to spend a whole week away! My family has house that we can all use on a lake near the Wisconsin Dells. It is wonderful! The nature all around is breathtaking: trees I see keep growing more and more each time I'm there, the lake, the deer walking around in the backyard picking apples off the tree and eating them (yes, I SAW that this week!), the birds, the stars, the sounds of nature...it's just beautiful!

And there is no internet or cell phone signal! I thought this was going to be a big issue for me, but it wasn't. It was actually a little refreshing.

While I was up there I read Lynne Hybels' book "Nice Girls Don't Change the World". It is a great book - only takes about 30-45 minutes to read the whole thing! I had read it a few years ago when I bought it and underlined a lot of stuff. It was neat to read it again these 3 or 4 years later and see what things I would still underline and what things I can see that I've grown in.

I asked Tim to read it to help him understand me a little more. (Yes, even after 10 years of marriage he still doesn't understand everything about me, or I about him!) So much of that book I would say if I had the words - she put words to my feelings and experiences. Discussing this book together actually led us to argue! Can you believe that???

I might digest different parts of this book on this blog over time. If I did it all in one entry no one would read it because it would be too long!

One thing we "discussed" was my hectic lifestyle and how much I do and have to do and how this is unhealthy. I agree, but the solution is so difficult to come by.

So, at one point, Tim lovingly (sarcasm there, did you hear it??) said "I don't care if you take the boat out for 3 hours alone tomorrow. You have to do something to REST!" {My grandpa has a pontoon boat up at the lake house}

So, I took him up on that! (I kinda think he didn't expect me to actually do it!) I took the boat out ALL BY MYSELF for at least 3 HOURS! It was AMAZING! I didn't even look at the time. I took some books, my Bible, my journal, a lunch (I enjoyed my lunch out on the lake!) and my pedicure tools!!

I was actually nervous to go before I left. I was scared. What do I do with my time? How can I stand that much quiet and alone-ness? What if I don't hear from God? What if I DO hear from God? What if He "yells" at me? What if I don't like what He says? What if I don't hear ANYTHING?

But I'm tired of letting fear run my life (I actually journaled about that!), so I went. I didn't know what would happen, but I forced myself to go and experience - not know what I would experience, but just do it!

I drove out to a spot on the lake and then turned off the motor and drifted. Then, when I got to close to something, or too hot, I'd drive around a bit more, and drift some more. I ate my lunch, did a mini-pedi, and didn't pressure myself or God for what would happen. I couldn't pressure myself to do or experience something! I had to just let go and let happen what would happen. It was hard at first, but then I really got into it.

I put too much pressure on myself and my relationship with God. That isn't healthy. I need to stop that. This was a step. I hope to keep taking steps. I need to grow and change one step at a time....NOT by leaping.

Just take the first step.

Relationships drive the ministry

2009-08-24T17:47:00.003-05:00

This is one of the values for Veritas. It has been something that we have valued since the beginning and it has driven us to make certain decisions about church that seemed somewhat different, unconventional, weird for a new church.

I am finally REALLY seeing the BEAUTY of this value! God is doing things in people in my life and it is the most amazing thing to be a part of! These relationships have been a year or more in the making. These are awesome people that I would love to have in my life with or without Veritas, but Veritas gave me the kick in the pants to get out and meet people.

I am now seeing God start to open them up to Him....even ever so slightly. BUT, God is doing His work! I am so EXCITED to be able to see that. I want everyone I know to experience this! To get to see God's Hand in someone's life. To get to have the conversations I've had. To meet the people I've met. To learn what I've learned.

But it takes guts, time, God-focused prayer, and sometimes blood sweat and tears (heavy on the tears). Many people aren't willing to do that. I wasn't willing to do that before! I am ashamed to admit that I am just now venturing out into this AMAZING territory. I have missed so much. But I don't want to miss anymore. And I don't want those I love who follow God to miss this! It's hard, but it's so amazingly worth it.

I know, if others could experience this, if they could walk out into that unknown and follow God's voice and footsteps, they would never go back!

You may get what you wish for

2009-08-18T01:08:00.003-05:00

Life is interesting right now. I am learning so very much. I am being stretched in new ways. It's kinda cool.

It's interesting when you finally start to get what you wish for, what you have prayed for. Life is different then.

I am working hard at not worrying, at trusting God and people more. I have to do that now! God is starting to give me what I have been praying for and that creates a new reality. For me, I have new things to "stress" about. Which is wrong. I need to change that mindset. I am trying to just enjoy this, pray, and do my best to FOLLOW God, not get in front of Him.

I'm excited to see where this road is going to lead!

God spoke to Balaam through his donkey....

2009-08-15T20:52:00.006-05:00

Do you think He can speak to Bay View through a....FROG?? I pray He does!! This blog is about lessons I learned while dressed in a (HOT) frog costume!

So, we at Veritas want desperately to be able to introduce (or re-introduce) people to God - their amazingly loving Heavenly Father who has gone to GREAT lengths to have a relationship with them. So, we need to get our name out. We had a Noah's Ark booth at Chill on the Hill a couple weeks ago. The frog has been making appearances here and there ever since.

So, we decided we are going to have the frog stand on the corner of 794 and Oklahoma holding a sign with a fun saying on it and our website. We will do this Monday thru Friday 4:00-6:00pm.

As I was standing out there dancing and waving listening to my "Frog Jamz" mix on the ipod to keep me going I was struck with some things.

God has been teaching me lately (through great teachers) to look at obstacles as opportunities. I have been looking at our small size and slow progress as a church as a bad thing and always looking to the future, always dreaming about where I want to be (which is not where I am at the time). If we hadn't started small and unknown like this, we would probably not have been as active in the community as we have. We would not have met as many people as we have. We would not have had our "office" at Stone Creek Coffee and meet the amazing people we've met there. We would not be at Chill on the Hill every week meeting people. Our heart for the people of Bay View would not have grown as large as it has if we were just given 500 people and office space. We've had to work long and hard for what we have, but we have grown SO much because of it and learned more than we ever dreamed!

I got the opportunity to worship God in that frog suit! As I said, I had my ipod on and had some great songs in that playlist. I needed good music to dance to - you have to be an ANIMATED frog! I was in that suit just lifting my hands to God and worshiping Him in front of all these people driving by. They probably had no idea that's what I was doing, but I was. And I prayed the words of those songs over the people of Bay View. One of the songs I remember being struck by was this chorus: Sing alleluia, sing alleluia, Sing alleluia, Christ is Lord! Christ is Lord! The words are so simple, but when you are looking at hundreds of people driving by and your heart is just praying that, it's amazing! Praying, "God, PLEASE be the Lord of Bay View, of Milwaukee! Be the Lord of these people!" And, music is powerful to me, so that makes a big difference for me. I got to have some great one-on-one time with God in that hot, sweaty frog suit! It was an amazing time of worship and prayer! Now, can I be that open with my worship when I am NOT dressed up and my face is not covered and everyone can see ME? I don't know. I hate to say that I don't think so. I need to work on that!

I got to thinking about what we're doing and why. I so desperately want the people of Bay View to have a relationship with their Heavenly Father, the God who sacrificed so much to be able to relate with them, that I am willing to stand out in a full mascot quality frog costume (picture above) on an 80+ degree day dancing and looking a fool so that they will know that this church is here, we love them, we love to have fun, and we want to meet them and introduce them to God and help them to navigate this journey! I had moments of thinking, "look at all I'm sacrificing!" But, thankfully, God put me in my place quickly, and reminded me of Jesus' sacrifice! My time dressed as a frog in the summer cannot begin to compare! But, nonetheless, we are trying to do whatever it takes to let people know we are here and want to meet them! If we hadn't started small and struggling, I don't think we would be doing this, we wouldn't have this heart to do whatever it takes to reach people that no one else is reaching!

Sorry this has gotten so long. However, had I been able to somehow transmit my thoughts while in that frog suit to a computer via brain waves, it would have been much longer! These are the lessons I remember. I am excited to see what God does with our meager offering. So far, in the last 4 days we've had about 1000 hits to our website, so that's pretty amazing! I am excited to meet some new friends tomorrow at church!

Learning to give up control

2009-08-05T16:52:00.004-05:00

Last night was non-profit night at Chill on the Hill in Bay View. That means we, as a non-profit in Bay View, got to have a "booth" there for free - what a blessing by those who organize Chill! Thank you!

We at Veritas have been building up to this event for quite some time. We went with a Noah's Ark theme. The reason it was non-profit night is because it was also National Night Out, so there was a kids theme for the night. So, we went with Noah's Ark. But we believe in "go big or go home!" And Veritas people ROCKED IT!

We "built" an ark, had kids games in it, face painting, and had a frog, elephant, gorilla, and Noah walking around and dancing. We did this in order to meet our Bay View neighbors, let them know we're here and to invite them to church so they can meet an AMAZING God who loves them desperately!

God has been teaching me and stretching me A LOT lately! One of those areas is how I view church and how much do I do, how much do I have faith, how much is God's job, etc, etc. Too much to go into right now, so please forgive me if that doesn't make a lot of sense.

But, I have been wrestling with this event. I really didn't want to view it as a "all our eggs in this basket" kind of thing. I didn't want to see it as we HAVE to get people to come to our church through this event or else we're never going to grow and we're going to have to close and.....well, you see the slippery slope that is my brain!

I finally got to the point (because God lovingly kept at me and didn't give up on me) that I have no control over this. We are doing the best we can with what we have. God has blessed us with incredible people who are seeking to follow Him. We are going to do this event the best we can and pray for the right attitude, and the rest is God's! If He chooses to bring people to Himself because we danced around in animal costumes, awesome! But if He doesn't, if He chooses to not grow us through this event, He is still good and loving and just.

That may sound elementary, but in some instances it is HARD to live out! I finally got to the point in my prayers (at least for the moment) where I wanted people to meet and follow God MORE than I wanted them at Veritas. If God can bring someone in relationship with Him and use a different church, then that's to be celebrated! It's MORE important that people meet and commit to God than that they come to Veritas.

Now, do I want be able to be a part of their journey and have them a part of our Veritas family? YES! But that cannot be my first or driving motivation. It can't! And I have to sacrifice that desire often. I want to do all I can to help people meet and follow God, but HE has to do the work. I HAVE to be a willing tool, but He does the work.

That was a big for me this week. I feel much more at peace. I'm still excited to see what God does. Will He bring more people to Veritas in the weeks to come? I don't know. I hope so. But if not, He has taught me something through this. And I have seen Him work in amazing ways in the people of our church through this as well. God is moving! We just want to keep up and never get ahead of Him.

Dunkin' and Dinin'

2009-07-27T11:40:00.004-05:00

Yesterday we had our church service outside at South Shore Park, did baptisms in Lake Michigan, and had a picnic afterwards.

What a day! Check out the stories on the Veritas site. They are amazing! And they are amazing because of what God has done!

I love baptism services! I love hearing the stories of God at work in people's lives. I just NEVER get tired of it! When you sit down and listen to people tell the story of their life and hear how God has been weaved in and out of all the different times in their life it's amazing. And I love it because no one can argue with your story. People can tune out "preachers" and say they don't believe in the Bible. But no one can tell you your story isn't true. It's YOUR story!

Baptisms can remind us to take time to reflect on God in our own life. It can be so easy to live on feelings. "God, I don't FEEL like you're here right now. I don't FEEL you." Feelings are fickle and feelings are fleeting. We can't rely only on our feelings. Sometimes we do feel SO close to God. Sometimes we feel like we are walking hand in hand with Him. But sometimes we don't.

It's amazing to look back on the events of our lives. Sometimes we need a lot of time of separation to be able to have perspective. But when we look back we get to see God's hand in our life in events. We can see our good choices and our bad choices and how God guided us and loved us and challenged us through all of them. It's hard to see God work sometimes. But often when we look back on events or phases in our life we can see how we have grown and what we've learned! We can see how we have changed because of what God has taught us.

And, finally, I LOVE doing baptisms outside! I am not trying to say that doing them inside a church is wrong or downplay anyone's baptism experience or practice, but i have always felt very strongly about doing baptisms outside, in the open, for all to see! In the Bible they would often do baptisms in the river and in lakes outside. This was the source of water for everyone (to do washing, animals drank there, etc). There was a lot of life going on right where people were declaring their decision to follow God with their life in front of everyone around. I think that makes more of an impact on those being baptized and on those around the baptism. It really is a PUBLIC DECLARATION of your commitment to God.

We did our baptisms in Lake Michigan right on the beach at South Shore Park. There were a lot of people sitting in the park near us as we sang our worship songs in the park and then trekked down to the lake to do our baptisms. It was an amazing experience! I can't wait to do it again!

We were TRIUMPHANT!!

2009-07-25T22:23:00.003-05:00

WOW! What a day!! Potty Training Boot Camp Day Three was a....SUCCESS!!!

We A L M O S T gave up! I doubted that I had done the right thing. I began to think I had failed and we were going to have to do this again later. But then....it clicked for him!

Caleb had been "holding it", and when he finally stopped and went pee, he was a different kid!! (And understandably so!) Now he is telling us when he has to go and goes to the bathroom by himself and does great!!!

We spend almost 3 hours in underpants with no accident!

I can't even tell you how excited Tim and I are and how proud we feel of Caleb! He's such a great kid! We are just beaming.

Too tired right now to think deeply about it or write anymore.

But, I am V E R Y excited about tomorrow's baptism service at Veritas. Our FIRST one! Can't wait to see what God has in store for tomorrow!

Potty Training Boot Camp Day Two

2009-07-24T20:02:00.003-05:00

This has been quite a day! I, again, won't bore you with too many graphic details, but a few things I am learning about myself and about parenting.

Today was rough. Caleb seems to not want to go pee on the potty, but as soon as you get him off and into another room, he feels free to pee! LOL! I think we are a little ways off from pooping in the potty. But that's ok. I hear that's normal. Although, with the difficulties, we had a few great victories too!

It was exhausting keeping at it today. I know this is normal and EVERY parent has to go through it, but it's heartbreaking sometimes!

However, I definitely don't want a son who is in jr. high and in diapers, so I guess I have to keep at it. I've wanted to give up, but I won't.

It's interesting though. I FEEL (FEEL mind you) like I'm getting some kick back from other parents for doing potty training this way. I don't think it's WRONG. I don't think it's inhumane. It's what we thought would work best for us and for Caleb. We tend to be all-or-nothing kinda people. And with Caleb's personality I don't think he would have done well with a long drawn out transition sort of approach. So, we did what we thought was best.

Do I question that every now and then when I'm cleaning up pee from the carpet again? Yes. But then when I think about it, I know this was best for us.

I'm not saying this is the only way to do it, or the best way to do it for everyone. Just for us. I do NOT pretend to be a parent who knows it all! I am figuring this out one tiny step at a time. But for us, this is what we thought was best.

It's very hard to take in SO many different opinions and ideas and advice and research and then make the ONE choice for your child. I don't know how people do it who don't have God in their life.

I'm NOT trying to sound all high-and-mighty or holier-than-thou! I just mean that I need to go to God with parenting decisions and roads to take! Going to the Bible and praying and thinking down the road about what kind of man God has made Caleb to be helps me make decisions about discipline and how to parent him now.

Yes, even with potty training! You better believe I've been praying about it! :)

So, I feel like we're making progress. Let's see how day three goes!

Potty training is kinda empowering!

2009-07-23T22:53:00.003-05:00

So, today was day one of "Potty Training Boot Camp". We have decided to go the cold turkey approach with potty training. We blocked off Thursday, Friday and Saturday to do this.

Today was day one. I was alone all day while Tim was at work. Caleb spent almost all day naked. I set the oven timer and he went on the potty every 15 minutes or so. It is a lot of work, but so worth it!

Rewards are huge. So I made the above little chart (orange is one of his favorite colors right now) and have M&Ms on hand for when he goes in the potty. We always say "Woo Hoo" and he says it too, so the chart is titled "Caleb's Potty Woo Hoos". He gets one little sticker for going pee in the potty and a big sticker for going poo in the potty. As you can see, no poo in the potty today. Just once in his underpants! But that's ok.

There are lots of stories from the day, but I think they would bore you. And you may feel like it's TMI! The day went well, then Tim came home. Caleb just melted down this evening. It was very unpleasant! He had a long day and it was just hard.

At one moment today I felt so empowered in this process. I FELT like a mom!

There are SO many times when guilt takes over. I should be doing more, I should be more consistent, I should be home more, I should play with him more, I should read to him more, my discipline sucks, Why can't he just have fruit snacks and crackers for dinner instead of trying so hard to get him to eat that chicken? Those sorts of thought normally consume my brain. I think most (if not all moms) have intense guilt issues!

But today, I stuck with it! I didn't give in when it would be easier to put the pull-ups on him and not clean up another "accident". Tim said, "why don't we just put his pull-ups on him?" I didn't want to do that. I knew that that would be SO much easier as Caleb is crying. But it wouldn't be best. It would undo all the work we did all day. We had to keep at it and work through the hard parts!

Now, of course, I pave the path and Tim gets to walk down it! :P I had a meeting tonight and while I was gone Caleb told Tim he had to pee BEFORE he peed! They got to the potty and then Caleb peed!

The hard work paid off!

We'll see how Day Two goes!

Think positive

2009-07-21T00:12:00.005-05:00

My last several posts have been kinda downers. Despite all the "stuff" going on in my head, I am choosing to post something more positive today! I could get all melancholy again and dive deeply into my thoughts and emotions....but I'm not going to!

I got to take part in my friend Emily's retreat on Saturday in Chicago. It was such an awesome adventure!! I got to take the train and cabs! But it was so great to get to meet these women who mean so much to my friend and get to know them a little bit! I got to teach about prayer which was so neat. God is having us talk about prayer at Veritas right now so it was exciting to share with them what we are learning here! And I got to sit in on their teachings also which was so cool to hear from them also. This was the first time I was asked to teach somewhere!

And, it was funny to me to think about Emily planning this retreat for her small group. When I met her she was terrified to go on our sr. high winter retreat as a leader. TERRIFIED! And now, here she is PLANNING a retreat!! Now, granted, this one was for adult friends and not crazy hormone filled teens...but still! I think it's pretty cool!

And, coming up this week....we have set aside Thursday, Friday and Saturday as our "Potty Training Boot Camp" I'm calling it. After considering many "techniques" we are going with the cold turkey approach. We are going to spend those days going to the potty every 20 minutes or so and, I'm sure, cleaning up lots of accidents. I know every parent has their own views and ideas, but this is the one we are going with. We'll soon see if it was the right way to go.

This is bitter sweet. I'm excited to be done (or at least closer to being done) with diapers. But it also means that Caleb is growing up more. It's weird. And I'm nervous to do this. This is going to be a lot of work, but I know it's worth it and it's necessary!

So, this week is going to be interesting! I'm looking forward to the adventure. We'll see how it goes.

Losing hope?

2009-07-14T10:05:00.002-05:00

I don't quite know what's going on with me. I feel I am losing hope. I usually tend to be a hopeful, optimistic person.

These days I am imagining scenarios that I never allowed in my mind before. Having conversations in my head I never imagined I would ever have. Imagining a life that I never thought could ever happen. And it's scary. I don't really like this "alternate reality" that is playing through my mind.

I don't want to blame this melancholy on my prayer life, but that's one thing that has changed recently. So it seems like that could be where this is stemming from. And that scares me even more.

I am being intentional about being more real, honest, and relational in my prayers. I want to relate to God more than just ask from Him. I am trying to see Him the way He truly is, and not my tarnished version of Him that I have had.

In these times of more honesty, this is when these "imaginary" conversations are happening. I am being true and honest with where I am with things in life as I talk to God. There is no sense in pretending with Him. It's foolish to use "christian language" or "prayer words" when God already knows my heart. He wants me to be honest with Him. He loves me, and I claim to love Him. So why would I want to put on a facade when I talk to someone I love and have a relationship with?

I shouldn't. So, I've been trying not to.

But I guess I am now diving into depths of me that I haven't allowed myself to go. Which is weird, because I didn't think I was avoiding things like these thoughts and parts of me. But maybe I have been.

I know this will be good. I know that I want to have a more real and deep relationship with God. So I have to do this. But I don't like this too much right now. Life just seems to be filled with hard conversations this week - with people and with God.

I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time these last couple days. And I don't even completely know why. I feel hope oozing out of me and not being replenished yet.

I will trudge through this. I am NOT giving up. But I don't like it. (That sounds kidna whiny. Sorry to end this with a whine!)

This is hard

2009-07-13T16:48:00.003-05:00

Do you remember that journey I referred to on July 2? And how I didn't quite know what was ahead? Well, I'm on that road. And it's hard.

Today has been a hard day. Necessary, but hard. As we are in this journey to investigate prayer more, and as I'm learning, it's hard. I don't know why today was so hard, but it has been.

Now, mind you, I've had MUCH MUCH worse days!!!!

Today I just kinda feel like I'm trying to walk through thick, thick mud... with a backpack of weights on my back...in the rain. Just kinda yucky! I have the image in my mind from the movie "The Neverending Story" when Atreu is trudging through the mud and almost gets sucked in until Falcor swoops in and pulls him out.

I know I'm learning. And I know what I'm learning is good. It just isn't easy. I want to change my ways. Change my heart. But that takes work and it's slow going. And I'm sad today.

But not hopeless...

Whatifland

2009-07-07T22:36:00.005-05:00

Whatifland is a place I have been visiting lately.

Whatifland is a dangerous place.

There are two entrances to Whatifland.

One leads to a land that is home to flying unicorns, soft bunnies, rainbows, waterfalls and smells like lilacs.

The other leads to a land that is scary, dark, full of monsters in the shadows who jump out to grab you and hold you down, and smells like skunk.

But both are dangerous really, at least for me anyway.

If I spend time in the first Whatifland I enjoy dreaming about what could be. It can be fun to dream. What if I had a million dollars? If I could vacation anywhere, where would it be? What do I hope for Caleb? What will our 50th wedding anniversary be like? Those kinds of things. Fun things to dream about.

But then if I stay there too long, then the sadness sets in. "I'll never actually have any money to do those things. I'll never actually be able to go on that vacation." etc. So, even the lilac smelling Whatifland turns sour.

Then there is the other Whatifland. This is the one I have caught myself spending some time in lately. I start just kinda peeking into this Whatifland. Thinking, "I'm still safe. I can take just a few steps inside, nothing bad will happen. I can simply turn and walk out." However, remember those monsters I was telling you about? They grab me, then drag me in further and further and hold me there. I start going down that path. What if the church doesn't grow? What if it doesn't grow fast enough? What if we lose our house? What if I get sick? What if Tim gets sick? What if something happens to Caleb? What if... It happens so quickly. Almost without trying!

Whatifland is dangerous, at least for me.

I long to be more at peace resting in God and trusting Him. I long to not enter Whatifland.

I don't want to be stupid and blindly going through life saying "I trust God. Everything will be just fine." I don't think God makes EVERYTHING just FINE. He doesn't promise us happiness. He promises us peace and joy and hope.

The closer I get to God and surrender myself to Him and walk with Him, the less time I will spend in Whatifland.

What a fun day!

2009-07-03T22:23:00.004-05:00

Caleb had such a FUN day today!

We went with some friends from church and their kids to a petting zoo/farm. Caleb did pretty well! I really wasn't sure if he would be scared of the animals or if he would love them! He loves them in books, but it's very different when a giant camel is looking you in the eye, or a goat is clamoring to eat out of your hand.

But he did GREAT! He fed some goats, saw camels, a lion, a tiger, a cougar, ducks, geese, an emu, a monkey, turkeys, lemurs, turtles and even had a PONY RIDE! He loved it all!! He was just so adorable. I was so proud of him riding that pony! He was terrified when he started - almost couldn't get him on the saddle - but then he loved it! I REALLY didn't think he would feed the goats but loved that too!

It was so fun to watch him discover everything and see these huge animals in person that he often sees in books. It was fun for us too! How often do you get to see all those animals in one place?!? It was such a special time for us and to get to spend it with friends.

Then we got home and he got to spend the day with MiMi, Pa, Yia Yia and Papou! He was SO exhausted but had one of the BEST days!

Tim and I got some time to ourselves too which is RARE! We went to see a movie, walked around Target SLOWLY just looking around, and had a QUIET dinner! What a treat!

I feel SO lucky to have had a day like today!

Changes are brewing...

2009-07-02T23:11:00.003-05:00

I feel like I'm about to embark on a rock-your-world journey.

We are about to start a series at church on prayer. We are really looking hard at this topic and going to stretch ourselves and church in this area. We can't teach or take the church anywhere we haven't been, so that means we have to do the work first.

I am also speaking on this topic at my amazing friend's retreat she's putting together for her awesome ladies.

I hope I'm not jinxing anything, but I think things are gonna change. I pray that God uses this to mold me and His church more into who we are to be. I want to get to know Him and His voice better. I want my heart to beat more with His heart.

I think we rolled over!

2009-06-29T13:05:00.004-05:00

It's Monday again. Monday after quite a weekend!

I was in Audition Idol at the Boulevard Theater in Bay View and it was a BLAST! It was an "American Idol"-esque show with drama instead of singing. There were 6 of us who did this on Thursday and Saturday. We all performed 2 short monologues in front of judges and an audience then got critiqued by the judges. The judges then eliminated 2 people and the other 4 did cold readings (never seeing a script and having no prep time) and got critiqued and coached by the judges. They then chose one winner each night.

I won on Saturday!!! I am still on cloud nine thinking about it! :) I got such amazing coaching, critiques and compliments. See, you have to understand, I have done a little acting in high school, more in college, and then just in churches since college. Most of these other people do it MUCH more than that and some somewhat professionally! They have extensive experience and even headshots! I was WAY out of my league! So it was a GREAT compliment to have made it as far as I did and get the comments I did.

But winning was just the icing on the cake!

I went in to this TERRIFIED! I did this out of obedience. I went in to this wanting to glorify God through it and get to meet more Bay View people and hopefully show that pastors don't have to be stuffy and lame. I prayed and asked God to use me. I was so excited that I got to tell my fellow contestants on Saturday that I was a pastor and help lead a new church in Bay View. I was happy after that! I could have gone home at that point and felt fulfilled. I was just so happy to share that most of my experience has been in the church!

Then Sunday was a great day! I am seeing God grow this church. I felt like we were a baby who rolled over for the first time on Sunday! If you have been around a baby who rolls over for the first time you know how exciting it is - the milestone that it is! :)

We had a worship team on Sunday. We had our worship leader (vocals), a NEW guitarist, and Tim on percussion. It was so awesome! Jodi told me that she heard people sing so much more and worship more than in the past. And Tim doesn't have the responsibility of playing guitar, practicing and leading worship like he has in the past.

Then we had a training for our Veritas Kids volunteers. We have two people who just stepped up to lead this area - Sara and Zac (2 of our former students from or youth pastor days - we are QUITE proud!). They led this training SO well and are SO passionate about this call on their lives!

I am seeing the "work" of this church being taken over by people who are willing to follow God and do what He asks of them.

This means it is getting out of my and Tim's hands - which is SO exciting! We are growing! God is setting up some structure for when He brings more people to us. He is freeing Tim and I up more to lead and not DO as much.

It's very exciting! Now, we are more ready - so BRING ON THE PEOPLE! OUR DOORS ARE OPEN AND WE ARE EXCITED TO MEET YOU AND JOURNEY WITH YOU! COME ON IN!

Happy Birthday!

2009-06-23T00:22:00.003-05:00

It's hard to believe, but today (June 22) marks the first anniversary of Veritas' first public service. We did sorta "preview" services over the summer before our official launch in September.

So much has happened in that year, and I felt it deserved some reflection.

It has been a year of many high highs and low lows. I love the people who are part of Veritas today. I really do. I didn't think I could love a church like I love Veritas. There has been some intense heartache through this time and I have learned some great lessons.

I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was as long as I rely on God to lead me and give me the strength to keep going. I know that I would have crumbled under this stuff before.

I am learning to come into my own skin. I am SO far from "completed" in that area, but I'm moving along. When we started Veritas I thought I had to be a certain way to be a leader for Veritas. But that wasn't me. That wasn't right for me. I think I thought I had to be over confident and tell people exactly what we would be doing so that they would feel confident with me in leadership and secure following me. But I think it came across wrong. Now, I am seeing how releasing things and letting God raise people up is so much more wonderful! I am seeing Him move in ways I haven't before.

We are not where I thought we would be at this time. But I can see God working and I can see us moving in the right direction. I have learned over and over that my ways and ideas are not often God's...but that His are better. This is a DIFFICULT lesson to learn, let me assure you. And I think I will continue to learn it for some time to come!

This has been a difficult year, but one full of growth. I pray that we have many, many, many more "birthdays" to celebrate and I can't wait to see what God unwraps for us!

Father's Day hurts

2009-06-21T16:16:00.005-05:00

Today has been a hard day for me.

My dad was murdered when I was 13. He was working at a store and it was robbed and he was murdered. Needless to say, it was the most traumatic thing in my life. I still hurt from it. I am performing a monologue this week about a girl who's dad was killed when she was 15 and she is confronting his murderer. So I think that is stirring things up more, but Father's Day is always hard for me. I try to avoid it.

There is still a little girl in me who desperately wants her daddy. I know she's there. I sometimes think she will always be there, she will never grow up. Her growth was stunted. She wants her daddy to hug her, to help her, to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, to be the grandpa to her kids.

But that will never happen.

I so wish that Tim could have met him. I KNOW they would have gotten along SO well! Tim and dad loved cars! They probably would talk ad nauseam about them every time they got together. Dad loved to laugh and was so funny. Tim would have loved that. I really think they could have been close.

I wish Caleb could know his grandpa. I know my dad would have been an AMAZING grandpa! He would have spoiled him like no other. He would have taught Caleb all about cars and had him under the hood as soon as he could stand. I can imagine Caleb curling up on his lap and dad reading books to him.

But that will never happen.

Because someone else made the decision to be selfish. Because they made their decisions, I am forever paying for it. My husband, my child(ren), my family is forever paying for it.

I want to write something about how I am sorry that my dad's murderers may not have had good dads and that's why they went down the path they did. I want to write about how I hope they have found hope, restoration and healing and salvation through God while they are in prison. I want to write about how I hope they didn't have kids yet so that their kids don't have to grow up without a dad the way I have.

And I guess part of me feels that way. The part that God has healed. The part that has grown up.

But that little girl who just hurts doesn't feel that way. She just cries. And wonders when her daddy is coming home to give her a hug. She keeps looking for him and crying and hurting.

I know that one day that little girl will be healed and whole. I know one day her pain will stop and she will be able to run into the arms of her Father who has always been there for here and who has carried her and His arms will scoop her up and never let go.

But for now, she hurts. She cries. She longs for that hug.

Slave vs. Child

2009-06-16T00:50:00.005-05:00

I was reading in Romans 8 for my LTG and really got caught up on verses 15-17:

¹⁵ So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. ¹⁷ And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.

I got to thinking about the stark contrast between being a slave and being an adopted child.

Slavery is absolutely deplorable in my opinion. When someone is a slave, they don't have rights. They don't get to make their own choices. They are told what to do and have to do so without question. They are not cared for. They are often not seen as human. (I don't think you could treat someone that way and see them as a human being - they same creature as yourself!) They are seen as property, as a tool, an object. This verse says "fearful slaves".

Contrast this with an adopted child. I have several friends who have adopted children. Those children are loved more than some people love their biological children. Those parents made many, many choices and sacrifices to bring those children into their family. They see those children as their own and never think of them as anything else.

A child who has good, loving parents is loved, not an object. A child has choices and is taught how to make good choices, not ordered what to do and used as a tool. A child is cared for. A child in a loving home does not live in fear.

This is what we are to be. This is how we are supposed to see God. Unfortunately, many have had childhoods and parents who don't look anything like God. They haven't experienced this love and guidance and acceptance. But that is what we can have with God! We all know parents or families who have this. We can look at that and know what it SHOULD be like - and God is that SO much more!

I struggle with fear. I always have. I have been facing that more lately, but it is hard. This verse tells me to not live as a fearful slave. I have a Father who CHOSE to adopt me as His child. He sacrificed greatly so I could be His daughter. I need to live as His heir. I get to call Him "Daddy" (Abba), not just Lord and Savior. He will teach me if I am willing to learn. I am not a slave, I am free, an adopted child.

The Church really is beautiful

2009-06-09T00:57:00.004-05:00

The church is beautiful. Sure, I know it's gotten a bad rep. I know that many (MANY) wrong things have been done in the church's name. I know that people say the church is full of hypocrites. And, it is. The church is full of PEOPLE! We, as people, are messed up, make mistakes, go back on our word, and sometimes cause pain to those around us. There was only one Person who didn't do any of that within the church. For now, we are stuck with people. Just regular people.

Tonight in my LTG I got to see how beautiful the church is when you get to know those people.

In the process of starting this church there have been times of loneliness. Times when I felt like we were doing all of this alone and all the work rested squarely on our shoulders alone. If we couldn't do it ourselves, then it wouldn't ever happen.

Tonight I saw that God has brought together lots of different people with different experiences and talents and passions to create the church. I always knew this, but I got to SEE it tonight! I got to see how different the three of us are in some ways and how the way God created them fills out this church. They can fill roles that I can't. They can touch people that I can't. They have passions and abilities that I don't. And they are willing to do something about it! And that is so beautiful!

I'm enjoying seeing God paint the colors and brush strokes of this church. So far, it's pretty amazing. And He's just beginning!!!

10 years

2009-06-04T23:26:00.005-05:00

We are about to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary. This is a big deal for me! My family has a lot of divorce in it...i mean a lot of divorce! I am very proud of us for making it 10 years. It's been quite a journey so far.

1999-2004: The first 5 years

During this time we lived in two apartments. Tim is an only child and had only lived at home with his mom. I went into marriage thinking it would be a life long slumber party with my best friend. Tim hadn't yet learned to share because he never really had to. This made for and interesting first couple years! There was a lot of arguing! I went for a lot of walks and Tim went for a lot of drives in the car. A lot of learning. I can now look back on it and laugh, but at the time I sometimes wondered what I had gotten myself into! It was not what I had expected.

We also enjoyed watching and being a part of friends getting married and telling them what it was like. We were some of the first of our friends to get married and have our own place, so there were many gatherings at our little one bedroom apartment. I remember one party at our house after church (church was on Saturday nights) around Christmas time when we had about 25 people crammed into our little apartment with a Christmas tree! It was fabulous!

We learned a lot about being married and making decisions as a couple. We had to make decisions about jobs, church, money, ministry and even health issues. It was during this time that I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. This was SUCH a difficult time, but we had to get through it together. Tim was laid off from his job and was out of work for 14 months while I only worked part time. Quite a test of faith, trust, perseverance.

There's so much more that could be shared, but I think I may bore you and it would be much more for my benefit.

2004-2009: Then until now

February 2004 brought Tim his first paid ministry job. We moved from Michigan to Milwaukee to work at Harvest Community Church. This was a LONG job hunting process. It was so hard to leave Michigan. It was the only place Tim had ever lived and we both had such amazing relationships and experiences there. I still miss the friends that I had shared such significant life with! I also had to leave my job as the Arts Director at a church.

But we were able to move near my family who I had lived away from for 8 years. We actually moved in with my mom and Pete until I could find a job and we could find somewhere to live.

God blessed us with a generous giver who gave us a down payment for our first house! The first thing we did when we got in the house was jump on the floor and run around yelling! I had live in apartments most of my life so the freedom to make noise was so fun!

Our time of working at Harvest as Youth Pastors was life transforming for us. God stretched us, tested us, comforted us, challenged us and taught us so much. The lessons learned there are invaluable. Some lessons were joyfully learned, some learned through great pain.

During these years, we almost lost it all. We almost didn't make it. We almost threw in the towel. God kept us together - along with a lot of hard work. If it weren't for our commitment to God and to keeping our vows we would have called it quits.

I'm glad we didn't.

Now we have the most precious, special, amazing son. He teaches us so much! Parenting is a challenge, but so very rewarding! We are leading the best church ever!

Life is still hard, but God has blessed us. We are doing the best we can to figure out life, marriage, parenthood, ministry. We make lots of mistakes. We have lots of fun. We learn and we love.

10 years down, 100 more to go!

Balance

2009-06-04T13:43:00.005-05:00

I have SO much swirling around in my head today and want to write several blogs, but wasn't sure where to start. So, I decided to stop working and do some reading.

I used dictionary.com today while reading the Bible.

In my LTG we are reading Romans. I'm only up to chapter 4 at the moment. It is talking a lot about the law versus faith. This is such a stumbling point for many people in Christianity. How much of our lives should be doing? How much should be faith? What is blind faith? And is it valid? Do we trust in faith and sit back and do nothing until we "feel led"? Or do we keep doing and doing and try to trust along the way? What is a good balance?

Faith (according to dictionary.com) is defined as: confidence or trust in a person or thing, belief that is not based on proof.

Tim and I have taken a huge "leap of faith". We believe that God has given us Veritas Church and that we are to lead it and follow Him in that endeavor. This is not something we have taken lightly! We are currently only getting paid to work at Veritas for the next 6 months at the most. But we believe that this is what God is asking us to do. We believe that we are to have "faith" that God will lead us and provide for His church and that we are to make an impact for Him here in Bay View and beyond.

One thing that I struggle with is that idea of balance. How do I balance faith and doing? I want this church to succeed because God draws people to Himself and changes people's lives. But how much am I to DO about that, and how much is TRUSTING God to do His part?

I am so tempted to do, do, do. I don't want to get ahead of God in this. I don't want this to succeed and have us look back and point out all WE did to make it happen. I want God to do this and get all the credit.

But it's always tricky for me to balance listening and trusting with doing.

And I wrestle with that definition of faith that says "belief that is not based on proof". I can see in my life, in the lives around me, and in countless stories in the Bible proof that God can and should be trusted. I see Noah have faith that He was following God and doing what he should do when it made NO sense at all for him to build a GINORMOUS boat nowhere near water with no tools and only his sons to help. I see Mary have faith and trust that she is going to birth the Son of God and raise the Savior of humankind in a time when she could be stoned for being pregnant before being married. I see Moses go and talk to Pharaoh over and over and over to let the Israelites go and believing that God was going to release them no matter how many times he heard no.

But I also know some amazing people, with the best hearts and desires and abilities to follow God, start a new church....and they closed. Those churches are no more. They had faith. They followed and trusted.

But I believe that we need to do this. I believe God is calling us to do this. I don't know how it will end up. I have many dreams and desires of where we will be in a year, 2 years, 10 years. I don't know all (or most) of the steps that need to be taken. But I have hope. I have "confidence or trust in a person or thing". I just don't want to get caught up in the law and in doing. I want to be balanced.

Balance is a hard lesson for me to learn!

When one part suffers, all parts suffer with it...

2009-05-19T00:45:00.006-05:00

I spoke at church yesterday. I don't do that often. Tim is the teacher - and very gifted at it. We were going to teach through Acts 2:42-47. The reason why I delivered the message was because I was spending time reading these verses and looking at what God may have been saying to us today in order to try to plan other service elements and songs. As I was doing that I ended up writing a whole message! Totally unintentionally, but it happened.

Right around this time we were reading 1 Corinthians in my LTG and I was struck by chapter 12 when it talks about us being a part of the "body of Christ". We see the strong community that the church in Acts was and I couldn't help but see the refection of 1 Corinthians 12. We actually got a chance to pray for someone at church during the message because one of our body was suffering, therefore we were all suffering with her. It was beautiful!

I was reminded of that in a big way tonight in our LTG. All three of us are going through big, heavy stuff in life. ALL THREE OF US! We spent most of our time tonight sharing our burdens with one another. But it was not in a complaining sort of way. It was genuine. We trusted one another and allowed each other into the hurting parts of our lives. We then spent a while praying together, being honest with God about our frustrations, disappointments, fears, and our trust in Him to keep guiding and comforting us.

I was in a much worse place a week or so ago. Today, I have hope. Tim quit his job last week in order to devote all his time to Veritas. His job was taking too much time and energy and he wasn't able to spend adequate time on Veritas or Caleb and me. There was just a lot going on that wasn't working. We have taken a HUUUUUUGE leap of faith and are putting all of ourselves into Veritas and doing all that God asks of us. Since I have him home more and we are getting healthier, I was in a better place today. This made me much more able to shoulder these burdens with my friends tonight.

I feel like it was an honor to hear the burdens of those ladies tonight and to get to pray for them. They let me into places of their hearts and lives that are sore and grieving. That is an honor. I am now able, and required, to look for opportunities to encourage them. God has put us in community together and I want to be community for them.

It's neat when God teaches you something, and then you get to teach it to others, and then you get to live it out right away!

"Sha!"

2009-05-16T21:41:00.002-05:00

Have to brag on a cool moment today!

Caleb and I were playing with his xylophone (the one pictured at the left). He had one of the red hammers. He picked up the other one and handed it to me and said "sha" (share)!!!!

See, this is a big deal for me because I didn't know well how to teach him to share. He has no siblings, doesn't go to daycare, and is only around other kids at church. Generally I am not bugging to play with one of his toys, so he hasn't really had many opportunities to have to share. But, he is getting to that age and times will come soon when he will need to share!

He doesn't communicate much. He doesn't talk much yet (which I try to not worry about too much) so I never know what he is understanding.

It felt like such a triumph to see him understand it, even if just for a moment! :) I really almost cried!!!

2009-05-14T23:19:00.009-05:00

Dearest Sweet Caleb,

You have no idea how much I love you and how profoundly you have changed my life. I never knew I could love someone like this! I never knew such a tiny little being could teach me so much about life, about myself, about what's really important, and about God.

For the last 6 months or so you have not been taking a bottle before bed. A sad day for your mommy. That means you are growing up, and while there are such greatness and excitement to that, it makes me sad that a phase of your life is over and one I can never relive.

But, anyway, when you stopped taking a bottle before bed your bedtime routine changed. Now we read a book together (but you have to be covered with a blanket and holding "eee-ooo"), then pray and then go to bed. I almost always prayed with you before bed before, but usually in my head. You love to pray. You always hold my hands while you sit on my lap. Often you will stretch your head back to look up at me as I pray. Each time we pray for someone you repeat their name. And you are always quiet and still - no matter how long I pray. When we are done you say "a-meh" and raise at least one of your hands to the sky. It is so precious. You amaze me with what you are able to understand.

When we are done with reading and praying I always take you into my arms and we snuggle. You lay your head on my left shoulder, suck your three fingers on your right hand and play with my hair with your left hand. You do this anytime you are tired, need comforting, or just want to snuggle! The SAME position every time!

I am on the verge of tears each time we snuggle like that. I treasure these moments. Each night when we cuddle like that I notice how big you are getting. And I realize that these moments are to be treasured! Sooner than I would like to acknowledge you will be more independent and need cuddle time less and less. You will get bigger and do more on your own and as you grow. I will need to let go. You will come to me less often and need my hugs less as time goes on. I just hold you as long as I can before I lay you down in your crib. But then I realize I'm being selfish and you need to get some sleep, so I lay you down and you say "ba-ba" (bye) as I leave your room if you have enough energy left.

It rips my heart out to think of days coming sooner than I'd like that I won't be tucking you in. That we won't cuddle like that. That you won't need or want my hugs. That you will have times when you won't want to talk to me at all. That you will be grown and on your own.

But I am reminded so often (by God I think) that my job is to raise you the BEST I can. That I am to point you to God as often as possible. That I am to teach you about His character, to help you get to know Him and decide what role He is to play in your life.

I am to teach you to be a good man who loves, cares, who is responsible, thinks of others, follows God with his whole life. Lately you have been asking to read the book about your namesake - Caleb in the Bible. I get choked up each time I read the last page where it talks about God telling Caleb he will enter the Promised Land because he "had a different heart." That is what I pray for you. I pray each day with you and ask God to help Mommy and Daddy be a good mommy and daddy and teach you well.

You are such a special child for so many reasons! But you truly do have a different heart. You are sensitive and caring already. Sure, you have your defiant moments, your tendency for disobedience, etc. You are not perfect, but you are SO special! You are different from other kids, at least in my eyes!! I believe you do have a different heart!

I hope I can be the kind of mom who you want to be with when you are older. I don't want to be a creepy overpowering mom who smothers you! But I do hope that we can keep this bond that we have. I hope that as you get older we will weather the bumps and the natural ebb and flow of a parent child relationship in a way that we always come back together. I will mess up, you will mess up, but I hope we can always forgive and love!

And you can rest assured that I will ALWAYS be here for a cuddle, for a hug, for a prayer. You will NEVER be too big to snuggle with Mommy.

In the meantime, I will treasure every moment we have. I will soak in every one! Every snuggle I get. Every cuddle time we have. Every book we read. Every prayer we pray. And I will hold you and let you suck your fingers and play with my hair AS LONG as I possibly can!

I love you more than words can express!

your mommy

Psalm 19

2009-05-08T21:08:00.004-05:00

⁷ The instructions of the Lord are perfect,
reviving the soul.
The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
⁸ The commandments of the Lord are right,
bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are clear,
giving insight for living.
⁹ Reverence for the Lord is pure,
lasting forever.
The laws of the Lord are true;
each one is fair.
¹⁰ They are more desirable than gold,
even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
even honey dripping from the comb.
¹¹ They are a warning to your servant,
a great reward for those who obey them.

¹² How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
¹³ Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.

¹⁴ May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

A friend told me about her reading this and praying it while she is going through some rough, rough stuff right now and sharing with me how she is learning to truly trust in God during this time. So, I wanted to read it and see what God had laid on her heart to read.

This is one of those passages where every phrase is so FULL that I feel like I could read one phrase and then chew on that for a few days, then come back and try to digest the next phrase. It's encouraging without being "all warm and fuzzy".

How amazing to think of God's instructions and directions as "reviving to the soul" and "bringing joy to the heart". It's such a different way of looking at the Bible and at God's commands.

How many people walk around feeling guilty and heavy from their sin. I think a lot of people feel that without even knowing that sin is what they are feeling. I believe that God created us to be in communion with Him and sin interrupts that. It keeps us apart. So, deep deep down, we long for that communion, that relationship. Even if we don't know it! But our sin gets in the way. That's why God sent Jesus, to allow us back into relationship with Him. To pay the price for our sin so that we can have a relationship with Him. It's still not the relationship that He created us for, like Adam and Eve had at first, but we can talk with Him and hear from Him and be loved by Him. We will only have that perfect relationship with Him when we see Him in heaven.

But, anyway...

I love what verses 12 and 13 say. I can imagine we would live differently if we felt that freedom. If we let the Holy Spirit show us those things in our lives. If we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to God and then DID something about the sin He shows us. We could live feeling free from guilt. We could live forgiven! So many people miss that and don't live that way. I know I don't.

This passage encourages me and makes me feel loved, but without the warm fuzzies. Because this is hard work. Love is sometimes hard work. Dealing with sin is hard work. Keeping sin out of my life is hard work. Dealing with failure is hard work.

But what in life is easy that really has lasting worth? I don't think I've found anything yet!

Something's GOTTA change!

2009-05-04T23:42:00.003-05:00

I feel like something has to change. I don't know what, but things can't stay the way they are now. It could be circumstances. It could be choices. It could just be me and my outlook, but something has to change.

I feel like something big needs to happen. I'm not talking about moving or anything that huge. But somethings have to be shaken up. And not just for the sake of change, but so that things can get headed in the right direction.

I feel like we need to shake the Boggle dice and look at it fresh and see what words pop up. We've been looking at the same letters too long now and need a good shake, ya know what I mean?

But I tend to fear so much and so I don't want to make the wrong choice about the change. Which is why I won't rule out the fact that maybe I am the the thing that needs to change. I may need to change my outlook, my attitude, something.

I really need to pray and find out if this is true, and if so, what that change(s) needs to be. Because something's GOTTA change!

Miscellaneous mush

2009-05-03T23:38:00.003-05:00

That's kinda what my brain feels like right now. I am so sick of feeling manic some days. Up and down. Up and down. Thankful and discouraged at the same time.

It can be exhausting. And confusing.

I would love a break. Something to look forward to. Something that I know I will enjoy and will refresh me and fill me up.

I don't want to fail. But what if I already have?

"Come to me as a child does"

2009-04-30T23:08:00.002-05:00

The other day Tim and I were FLOORED!

Caleb likes to pray. It is just too amazing. He holds our hands, we pray, he actually stays still and quiet (besides maybe repeating "Mi Mi" or "Pa" or "Ti Ti" or "Dee" as we pray for different people)! For anyone who has or knows a 21 month old, you know how amazing that is! Then, when we're done and say "Amen", he most often puts his hand in the air and repeats a "meh!"

It is just so precious!

Well, we've recently started praying together before dinner. He will actually sit in his highchair and hold our hands (daddy's in one hand, mommy's in the other) and pray with us. Sometimes he will tell us which of us he wants to pray!

The other day we were rushed and hungry and started eating without praying first. Tim and I were eating and talking about the day and we hear him grunting (he doesn't talk too much yet) and reaching out for our hands. Tim and I were trying to figure out what he was asking for and then it hit us. We didn't pray before we ate! That amazing little kid actually told us to pray!!! He made us stop eating and pray!

That little kid got us back on track and helped remind us of the importance the prayer and being thankful for what we have!

Calling

2009-04-23T23:03:00.003-05:00

I think sometimes people can use this word as a cop out or something to hide behind. It can be something that is used as an excuse to not do something. "I'm not called to do that. I wouldn't be any good at it because it's not my calling."

I think that can be true. We are not all called to everything. That wouldn't make any sense.

A calling can also be very powerful - and painful. Calling is what's left when you're on a path and it seems that the world is crumbling around you, but you KNOW you have to stay on that path. When it doesn't make sense to stay on that path. When everything in you wants to jump off that awful path with everything crumbling in on it, you KNOW you HAVE to stay on it.

That is a calling, I think.

A calling isn't always glamorous and exciting. Sometimes it comes down to obedience. To stay on that path. To keep going and follow that Leader when you know it would be easier to step off that path. To forge a new one that makes "more sense". One that looks easier. But that would be disobedient.

Underneath all that pain, discomfort, questioning, uncertainty, discouragement, is a weird sort of peace. This unexplainable knowing that this is where you're supposed to be. That's a calling. That tiny, itty bitty, almost silent voice that says, "Keep going. This is what I have for you. Don't stray. Stay close. Keep on this path. I AM."

It can be so hard. But it's a calling.

Don't read the Bible!

2009-04-20T23:23:00.004-05:00

It will change you. It will challenge you. It will frustrate you. It will cause you to question life, yourself, God, your choices, the people around you. It will put a mirror up to you and you may not like what you see. It will show you the dark corners of yourself. The nooks and crannies that you try to hide from people, the places you try to hide from yourself.

It will also encourage you. It will stretch you. It will teach you. It will cause you to question. It will show you things about yourself that you like. It will show you the amazing gifts and talents you have. It will help you to see others differently. It will grow your heart. It will change you.

As I have been doing an LTG I am reading the Bible more than I used to in larger chunks than I used to. An LTG (Life Transformation Group) is a group of 2 or 3 who meet together one hour (or so!) per week. We read 15-30 chapters of the Bible per week then get together and talk about it, confess to one another, and pray for people we know who don't yet know God. It is very simple. But it can rock your world!

As I have been reading the Bible more, I am becoming more aware of my sin and my sin nature. I am becoming more aware of the "little" things that I can't let slide anymore. I am challenged to become more like God and that means that things in me have to change. The closer I get to God the more I see how far away I am from Him and being like Him.

This is good! Difficult sometimes, but good.

So, be careful if you read the Bible!

Roller Derby!

2009-04-20T11:27:00.002-05:00

Ok, I've never been to a Roller Derby bout before. But we went on Saturday and it was SO fun! We know 2 people who are part of the Brew City Bruisers and wanted to go check them out.

It is a sport I actually like to watch and can follow and understand!!

It is not AS brutal as I thought it would be. That is NOT to say that it's not physical or that those girls aren't hurting Sunday morning! But I think I was expecting broken bones and blood and stuff. They are physical and they have fun.

The names are so creative and the way they decorate their uniforms are so fun. I liked the creativity and the attitudes and the fast paced-ness.

It was just fun and I wanted to share that. A very new experience for me! I don't get out much these days and then to do something NEW and different was great!

Spring has finally sprung!!!

2009-04-17T17:03:00.003-05:00

I can't believe how much a change in weather can change my mood! I can get so depressed during the winter sometimes. The cold, the short hours of light, the cold, the drab, the cold, the lack of green, the cold...

Today was GORGEOUS! I have the windows open, the spring breeze blowing through the house, the sun, the birds are singing! I got to spend time playing outside in the yard with Caleb. It was so nice! I can see the green starting to push through in the grass. I know the trees will be budding soon!

Life is still hard, we still have difficult circumstances, but I don't feel the heavy dark cloud on everything today! I need the sun! I love this weather!! :)

Caleb has the BEST caregivers!

2009-04-14T19:17:00.000-05:00

We are SO lucky to have such great people to take care of Caleb! While I'm at work either Grammie or Auntie Wendy (Ti Ti) takes care of him. They also take care of him when we have something to do or on the rare occasion we have a date!

They love him more than words can say. They take SUCH good care of him. They spoil him like no other! They make him laugh, they play with him, they sing to him, they do whatever they can to make him happy!

I am never worried to have him spend time with them! Sometimes I wonder if they do a better job with him than I do!

We are SO blessed to have such great people to care for Caleb on a regular basis and love him SO dearly!!

"Good" Friday

2009-04-10T17:25:00.001-05:00

I have learned different things about God since having a child. I don't believe you have to have a child to understand God's love or His character, but I feel like I have learned more about those things since having Caleb. I think I'm a bit hard headed though!

Today is Good Friday (not sure why it's called that, but whatever. I guess I kind of understand in that because of Jesus' death today we have something to celebrate on Sunday, but still, I think it's a bad name. But I digress...) and I've been thinking about Jesus dying for me.

I can't imagine in ANY recess of my mind allowing Caleb to suffer like that for anyone! As a parent, I can't fathom Caleb having to endure the mocking and the beating and the loneliness and the horrible death that Jesus did.

God knew what was going to happen when He sent Jesus to earth. God willingly allowed this. And Jesus willingly went along with it.

I know those are simple statements that many people believe and they are not profound. But thinking about them as a parent, they hit me differently.

And Mary, I still don't know how she did it! As a human (and not God), watching my son go through that...there is no way! There is just no way!

I often times will end up crying if Caleb falls or something and cries really hard because he's hurt. I CRY! How in the world could I stand by and watch my son suffer so horribly? I guess that's why God did not ask me to birth the Savior of the world! You all would be in deep trouble!

In my excitement for Easter, I don't want to forget about "Good" Friday. I need to remember the sacrifice and love that was shown for me today too.

Jesus' death NEEDS to permeate the way I LIVE.

Keep fighting!

2009-04-10T12:56:00.000-05:00

This has been quite a week. I was really excited and jazzed up on Monday and Tuesday SO excited for Easter and seeing what God is going to do at Veritas on this amazing day! We had a great service on Sunday night and I was just so excited to be a part of a church with these people!

Wednesday I was still doing ok. I invited some people to church and Tim had the potential to get a promotion!

Then Wednesday night I started going downhill a little. My feelings were changing a little. Some of it was due to circumstances during the day, some if it wasn't.

Then yesterday things didn't go so well. Got some difficult news during the day. We got news that we would have to buy a car this weekend due to the repair on Tim's car (which we had to take to the shop on Wednesday night) costing more than the car is worth....etc. I did not have a good night last night.

Tim and I prayed and then talked for a long time about a lot of stuff - life, family, jobs, church, God, you name it! We finally had to stop talking because it was so late and we were so tired.

We talked about how we believe what is going on now is an attack because of what is coming...Easter! Now, I am not one to go throwing that around. I hate it when people blame EVERY difficult thing that happens on "Satan and him attacking". I think there are MANY things that happen to people because of their own decisions and sin, not because Satan is attacking. I think it can be a cop out sometimes. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

But I think a lot of things are happening all at once to us this week because we are working so hard and praying so hard for people we care about to come to know God as their Savior and follow Him with their life. This doesn't really make these circumstances much easier, but it gives them a little purpose.

After talking with Tim for such a long time, I looked at one of the blogs I like to read at www.stevenfurtick.com. The post for yesterday (April 9) was about this same thing! It was about the attacks that can happen around significant times like this. It's not long if you want to check it out, it's pretty good.

I don't know what all these ramblings mean or how to finish this up except to say this is where I am. It's difficult, but I pray that God does AMAZING things that bring Him glory on Sunday!! I pray that we have new people there, lots of people who need to hear about God's message of sacrifice, love, hope and life! I pray that I can live this message out REGARDLESS of my circumstances! I pray that I can hold up under the pressure and that I don't let discouragement and emotions take over me.

I am even more excited to see what God does on Sunday!

Thank you Jesus for enduring such unimaginable pain and burden and humiliation TODAY so that we can CELEBRATE your triumph over death on SUNDAY!

I love you

2009-04-07T02:14:00.000-05:00

I love you. I want you to know that. I wish I could show you better or tell you in a way that you'd understand.

I want you to have what I have. I wish you would stop lying to me, to yourself...I wish you would do the hard work and be honest. I wish you would see that you can NEVER EVER be too far from God to come back. I wish you could see that you could never make too many mistakes to be forgiven.

I wish you could see what I see in you. I wish you could see what GOD sees in you! I wish you could see how much He loves you and wants for you. I wish you could let God lead you and love you and mold you.

I wish I could be a better example to you. I wish I could do something, anything. I wish you didn't see what you see when you see me.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I didn't feel this pain and battle. I wish I could make it better. But I can't. It's your decision. I can't make it for you. I can't make you do anything.

The path is yours. I pray you take the right road. I am here - whether you want me or not, you're stuck with me!

I love you!

Jittery

2009-04-06T16:23:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to blog for a few days now. For different reasons each day. I never find/make the time to sit quietly and do it, so now I have lots floating around in my head and don't quite know where to start.

Easter is right around the corner. I know that isn't news to anyone. I know this is at the forefront of the minds of most (if not all) church workers. For the first time, I am not consumed with the elements of the service though. Usually I am working on things for the service - the one hour of that day. It may be graphics or a drama or music or something else. There is usually lots to do to prepare for the Easter service at a church.

This year that is not the case. I guess that's one good thing about being part of a small and simple church with little resources. I am not consumed with the elements of the service. Sure, we have some special things going on this week...but I am much more consumed with the souls that will walk through the door. I am much more consumed with the message that we will hear. I am much more consumed with the desire for people to hear the message of Easter.

We had a great night at church last night. God has really been showing up in amazing ways. I am excited to see what He does on Easter at Veritas, and around the world!

I want there to be so many people at Veritas on Easter. Not because I want our numbers to grow, but because I know the message we have to share and the people that they will encounter when they walk through the doors. We have an amazing bunch of people at Veritas. During this last series we've had people share their stories of their encounters with God and it's been amazing to see God's hand in different people's lives. They are not all happy stories - not even close. But they can still see God in their story.

I want others to see that they have a story and that God is part of it! I want souls to be touched and eternities changed on Sunday! I want to see God move and give Him all the glory!

I am jittery with excitement to see what He's going to do this week in the hearts of our people and in the people who walk through our doors on Sunday!

Barista Ben

2009-03-30T12:37:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here watching Ben at Stone Creek draw on their chalkboard. I don't know what he's drawing, he's sitting in the way of my view, but it's some form of advertising for Stone Creek.

I think Ben is a pretty neat guy. I don't really know anything about him, and barely ever get to talk to him. But he's impacted me. He is so kind and gentle. And you would not believe how many names he remembers! He can name almost every customer who walks in here (those who are regular or semi regular anyway). He has a kind smile and a casual confidence about him. He makes you feel good when you talk to him. He says your NAME when he greets you! He seems genuinely happy to serve you and wants this to be the best coffee you've had! Sometimes there are people who come in here who are a little more difficult to deal with. They may be homeless, or have some mental or emotional issues, I don't know. But he treats them with such respect! He speaks kindly to them, not down to them. He respects them as a person and treats them that way - no matter who they are.

What if people at church were more like Ben? What if we went to church looking for what I can GIVE at church, not what I can GET? What if we made the effort to learn each other's names and use them when we greet one another? What if we could make someone feel known and noticed when they walked through our doors? What if we went to church asking God "how can you use me today??" and embracing those opportunities instead of going there looking for what I can get out the service and those around me? What if we were genuinely happy to serve at church - in whatever way God asks. What if we treated each person who walked in with respect and honor?

I think church would look much different. I think we can all take a lesson from Barista Ben! Thanks, Ben, for teaching me!

Livin' It

2009-03-23T12:25:00.000-05:00

{If anyone from Veritas is reading this, sorry, it's a spoiler for Sunday and may get a little raw and real.}

I hate that God makes you live out a message before you teach it!

I will be teaching on John 11 when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. I am getting stuck on when Jesus says, "Didn't I tell you you'd see God's glory if you believe?" Which tells me, if I don't believe I don't get to see God's glory.

However, they had to endure Lazarus' death before they got to see God's glory.

I feel like I am in the "death" phase of seeing God's glory. I believe that He is still here and I hope I will see His glory more than I do now...someday...but for now, I have to deal with the death phase. Mary and Martha didn't KNOW that Jesus would come and raise their dear brother from the dead. They didn't know the end of the story. They simply knew that their brother was dead, and Jesus could have prevented that.

But He says that He did this on purpose so that people could see and believe in Him. But they had to endure pain and loss in order for people to believe in God.

Here's the vulnerable part. I am just having a really hard time with Tim's job and church. It hurts me that Tim has to work this job, spend so much time away from us, and still somehow make Veritas work into His schedule. I'm sad that he has to do this job right now. I'm sad we don't have much time together. I wonder why God is doing things this way. I don't like how He's chosen to write the story this way.

I am overwhelmed with church. I love Veritas so much and LOVE watching God work there, but I don't understand the road God has us on. I don't understand why we continue to struggle along each week. I don't know why we are still so small. I don't know why we struggle so hard for each step we take. I don't know why things are moving so slowly.

I don't know why it's taking so long to see God's glory. {Not that I haven't seen His glory along the way! I don't want that to come across. I have seen His hand and seen Him work in people and LOVE seeing that! But, it's just not the way I thought it would happen.}

I want so badly to have a greater impact on our community. I want so badly for people I know and care about to love and follow God! I want so badly for people I don't know yet to love and follow God! I want Veritas to be a FORCE in this area! I want God to get so much glory you can't even see anything but HIM in this area!

But I feel like we're in the death phase, waiting for Jesus to come. I don't feel like Veritas is dead!!! But I feel like we're waiting for Jesus to come and perform His miracle and get more glory!!!

I've never been good at waiting!

Dang it!

2009-03-20T11:12:00.000-05:00

I am stunned sometimes by how much I can be like the Israelites!

I read about their wanderings in the desert and get frustrated by them, wondering HOW IN THE WORLD THEY COULD DOUBT GOD!! They first were let free from Pharaoh after so many years of slavery. They saw the amazing plagues and were kept safe from them. Then they got food dropped on them from the sky - all that they needed, they had God directing them with fire and smoke, they walked across dry land while the Red Sea was pulled back on either side of them...and yet they still doubted that God was with them. How could they possibly????

I look and them and think, "there's NO way I would ever do that!"

But I do....almost everyday.

WHY???

I have seen God provide for us and guide our path. But I still have such moments of doubt and fear. Feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of o-my-goodness-what-in-the-world-am-i-doing???

I am in the latter right now. Wondering what in the world am I doing???

I want to be more like Jesus, not the Israelites. I want to follow Jesus' example of submitting ALL to His Father and being willing to do whatever was needed without question. Jesus gave His life, suffered terribly, and did it because He knew that His Father's plan was best and was willing to do it without complaining! I want to be like that.

I don't want to doubt. And complain. And fear.

Until then, I will try to work through the feelings, pray through the doubt, and do my best to find His path and walk it with His help.

The Dip

2009-03-16T15:44:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to a podcast from Elevation Church (Pastor Steven Furtick). It's really hit me where I'm at! I wish I would have written this right after I listened to the message this morning because there was so much good stuff in it.

His messages were talking about Elijah and how we can go through these "dips" in life. Sometimes they are our own fault, sometimes they are not. He focused on the "Divine Dip" - a time when God allows us to go through a time of "dip" in order to teach us something, or to minister to someone else, or to grow in an area.

One thing he said today is that we can't allow ourselves to forget about when we've seen God work in the past. However, being in the valley makes the mountaintops almost impossible to see. That doesn't mean they aren't there, they are just hard to see.

It was so helpful to be shown in the Bible where someone else has felt this way and how God handled him. God didn't punish him, He showed Himself to Elijah, He nourished Elijah, then had him move on.

I want to follow in Elijah's steps. I want to force myself to remember God's faithfulness and how I've seen Him work in the past. I want to remember that while it may be too hard to see the over the mountain now, God is still there with me wherever I am.

Looking back and going forward

2009-03-15T23:11:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a good night at church. Set up went well, we put some new practices in place in the Kids department, the message was awesome, the songs nailed the topic, we had some new faces, we went out to Classic Slice afterwards and had a great time together! Overall it was so nice.

So, why does Tim have to start a new job tomorrow? I wish he could keep working at Veritas doing what he's good at. But he can't, he has to work somewhere else and it makes me sad in a way.

But, I know there are some great things that could happen at this new job. He can learn some great skills, meet some people who will stretch him and just have some great new experiences in his life. I've heard that this is becoming much more common for church planters - to work outside the church.

And yet, this is still so bittersweet. I'm excited and sad at the same time.

I don't understand why God does what he does most often. Down the road I usually get to see how it all worked out and what I learned from it, but it is still hard in the midst of it. I've seen God provide for us when I didn't know how we were going to pay our bills, I've seen God stretch and teach me so many things during hard, hard times.

And yet, I still don't embrace this time. I still wish I didn't have to go through it.

But, it forces me to look back and be thankful for the times that I've seen God's Hand in my life. And forces me to have faith (believing in what I cannot see) in God and his Plan for me now.

I know this time will have its ups and downs, I just hope I learn and embrace it.

Why?

2009-03-14T22:38:00.001-05:00

I asked some friends for help with naming this blog. I was then asked, "Why do you want to start a blog?" Good question!

I tend to learn more through processing thoughts and ideas, etc. with others. I'm not so good at reading something and learning in a vacuum. I learn better through discussion and sharing thoughts. So, as I have lots of stuff swimming around in my head I can get them out here and process through writing...and perhaps hearing from others!

I am looking forward to using this resource. I hope I can keep up with it and write things that aren't too boring. Maybe someone will read it, maybe someone will. In any case, I hope this will be a good outlet.

Looking forward to the days ahead. For now, it is too late for me to get started with anything else!

See you again soon!